


Nightmares

by annetheseamaiden



Series: MCU [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes needs to be loved and protected at all costs, F/M, Protective Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:50:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7138703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annetheseamaiden/pseuds/annetheseamaiden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let me know what you think. Also, if you have a prompt, leave it under the comments :)<br/>thanks for reading.</p></blockquote>





	Nightmares

It broke his heart when you told him. Bucky have had growing feelings for you for a very long time now. It all started one night. Steve was on a mission half world away. Bucky was in New York. He was alone. You were there. Your room across his. You heard the whimpers. The cries. They were filled with pain, a never ending anguish. They were so deep, and frightening.

That time it was the first time you had gone to see what was wrong. Most of the time he either slept at Steve’s apartment. But when Steve was away on a mission, he felt the safest at the compound. And it was one of those nights. He had a nightmare. He was in the foot of the bed.  His eyes were like wet crystals. He first told you to go away. But when you kneeled in front of him, cupped his hands between yours, it was as if something had sparked. Months passed, and he had become more verbal towards you. He would sleep in your room at times while talking about his ghosts. Other nights you would go to his room and talk about your dreams and hopes. His room at Steve’s place seemed as a place he would crash when everyone was hanging out at Steve’s place.

You clearly remembered the time when he came wounded. It frightened you so much. He was taken care by the medical team of the plane. When you saw that bloody bandages, and him laughing when you hugged him. It still makes your heart crumble a little  bit. Just like his had done a few months before when you told him about one of your dates. It was with one of the guys who worked down in tech. He was tall, handsome, dark and what a little bit of a badass, considering that you witnessed him hacking into a dirty senators and publishes the deeds he was into.

On your first date, Bucky waited up for you. He smiled at you, and waved his hand. He had asked you how did it went. You smiled and you told him how it went. You wondered how he managed to keep it straight. During that time, he later confessed that he already had been in love with you for almost six months. You remember him saying that you thought that the guy from tech was your Mr. Right. Bucky smiled at you that night, yet if you had seen the lump in his throat you would’ve realized a few things.

Throughout a time, he continued to be your ear. He would listen to you, and he would tell you that if he ever got a little fresh, that he had a metal arm and that he wasn’t afraid to use it.

The fights then started. Mr. Right was the first to admit that he didn’t like your line of work. That it was too dangerous. That your line of work was a little too not ordinary. That you weren’t he type of person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wanted someone to be at home with his kids.

Waterworks damped Bucky’s shirt as you cried.

“Will I ever have that?” You asked Bucky that night. “I am an only child. My parents are dead. Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?”

Bucky pulled you very close that night and kissed you on the forehead before saying, “You’re not going to be alone, beautiful. You have me, darling.”

He stayed with you for a few weeks in a row that soon turned into months. Suddenly, something happened. It was a glance that lasted a little _too_ long, while he was caressing your cheek. The stroke in your cheek had been replaced by a gentle brush of lips, that soon turned clothes to rest on the cold floor while the bed got warmer and hotter by the hour.

Soon after that, he moved to your place. It became your little love nest. The few times he went on missions, he missed you greatly and couldn’t wait to get back. The same was with you and when the two of you went to missions together; it was a persistent nightmare. He worried a little too much, and so did you. You were so afraid that certain situations might even trigger some of his nightmares. The trauma and the depressions he had after missions took a long time.

After every mission that he went to, you would prepare for both of you a bath, add lavender even though he didn’t like the scent but it relaxed him. You would add Epsom salt. It always did wonders since you always somehow managed to pull a muscle. Arms wrapped around your waist … that became your wonderland. You became each other’s haven. You loved the scent of his hair. You loved his scent. You were in love with him. You were truly in love. You had never felt like this for anyone. That was when you told him that you loved him. You were in a bath. You were naked. You were completely vulnerable, and you furthered to make yourself more that physically vulnerable. You made yourself emotionally vulnerable.

That ended in more lovemaking that night.

That night.

That beautiful loving night.

That night he had a nightmare.

He saw himself cupping your face in his hands, looking at you with loving eyes. But then he snapped your neck. Your dead body falling to the floor. The man that stood was not him. It was the Winter Soldier.

After that night, he started to become more distance from you. There wouldn’t be any touches and when he looked at you, he felt his heart to tear apart.

What if he ever hurt you?

What if he ever hurt you?

But of course, he never said a thing.  You noticed his distance, but you knew that it was some kind of PTSD, and him struggling with what was real and what was not.

He left in the middle of the night. He was sensible enough to leave a note. He was at Steve’s.

The knock on Steve’s door bothered him a little. He had just fallen asleep, but when he saw Bucky the feeling shifted.

Bucky’s eyes were red. His eyelids were swollen. His face was stained with tears.

“Buck!” Steve’s sleepiness disappeared.

“I killed her.” Bucky cried. Steve was frightened. Bucky entered his place looking at the floor talking very fast which he couldn’t understand.

“Buck—”

“In my dream …  it was … Him. It wasn’t me, but it was me. I— He snapped her neck. But I was there. I was inside of his head, and I did it. I felt my hands do it.” The tears in Bucky’s face kept streaming. “And she is all I have, Steve. I felt—”

Steve rested his hands on his shoulders, “It wasn’t real, Bucky. We’ve talked about this man.”

Bucky began to shake his head, “I should have never had gotten close to her. It was a mistake from the beginning. It was my mistake. I should’ve pushe—”

“No. No. No.” Steve started, “Don’t do that to her. Don’t do that to yourself. Bucky, in all of these years, this is the only true happiness that you’ve had. You love her, and she does certainly loves you.”

Bucky couldn’t loose you. Bucky, he loves you. He adored you, and he had gotten so much better.

Steve’s phone rang, and Bucky told him not to answer. You were worried. You noticed that he had trouble sleeping and that was one of the many reason why you pulled him towards you and made him your little spoon for that night. It usually calmed him, but it wasn’t enough that night.

“I gotta answer.” Steve said to Bucky.

Steve’s heart melted a little when he heard you. He heard the concern in your voice and  he was glad that Bucky had someone to care of him like that. “Yeah, he’s here.”

“Steve, he left his phone.” You said over the phone.

“He is okay. He’s here with me— no, you don’t have to come over. Just go back to sleep. I’ll handle this.”

But you weren’t one to listen and have someone else tell you what to do.

You knocked on Steve’s door and saw him close his eyes as he let you in.

“It wasn’t necessary for you to come.”

“Where’s he?” You asked.

“He’s fine. He’s in his old room. I gave him something to sleep. Don’t wake him up.”

“What was it?” You asked, “Steve please, tell me what was it.”

“I cannot tell you. It isn’t—”

Bucky interrupted the chat you where having with Steve.

“Babe!” You went towards him and hugged him. He returned the hug before ushering you back to his old room. In tears he explained himself, and in reality it frightened you a little bit. The Winter Soldier killing you, and Bucky, witnessing it all. The truth was that you had never thought of this. You knew Bucky, at least a part of him, you knew the person he was trying to become. You had never thought about this.

“But it was a nightmare.” You said, “It was a nightmare Bucky. It wasn’t real.”

“It felt so real.”

“But it was a nightmare, right. It was not real.”

He thought what on earth he had ever done to deserve you. You were too good for him. You were there, reassuring himself that it wasn’t real, that you weren’t afraid. You were too good. Was he really worthy of you?

You reassured that he was. You took him by the hand. “I love you.” You said to him, “And I will stay with you. I know we are not married, but in good times or in bad times. I don’t know how it goes truly. But the idea is pretty simple.”

Both of you didn’t know how it happened, but the idea of leaving you left his head.

But the nightmares continued.

He hardly slept.

The nightmares became worse, and worse, and they often involved either you, Steve and sometimes even Sam.

The one that was the last drop of water that created the dam of his sanity to break, was a dream that involved you. He stabbed you right in the heart. That was when he decided to end it. It felt too scary and real.

He had been thinking.

He had to break it off with you.

He had to truly heal first.

He had to take the Winter Soldier out of him.

“We need to talk.” He said to you when you came from a mission.

It caught you off guard. But of course, you weren’t having it when he spilled the wheels.. It didn’t make sense to you and then he said those words.

“I cheated on you,” He said.

You scoffed.

You didn’t believe it.

After all, Bucky only socialized with a handful of people. You demanded an explanation, and he gave you some. He had cheated on you while you were away.

“Is this because of your nightmares?” You asked him. “If you need time Buck, I understand.”

“I am not worthy of you.” He said, “And I don’t want to be with you like this.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” You said before noticing his bags at the foot of the table.

“You’re serious.” You gasped.

The final words that he heard from you were, “Why are you doing this?” You yelled at him while throwing him the first thing you had in your reach.

He left. He left with even more weight on his shoulders. At the end he was right. He stabbed you in the heart.

The next months were odd indeed. The two of you still worked together on missions. You were really professional, but sometimes you felt your heart skip a beat when you saw him, and at the next second you were scorned for the fact that he left without any explanation.”

Now you understood the reason of the phrase “Nothing good comes out when you mix business with pleasure.”

Everyone else noticed, and even you noticed that he was still very protective towards you. Time passed and he would ask you how you were. Your respond was to give him your resting bitch face and say fine.

It was odd.

Like Tony said, anyone could see the  tension between the two of you. It was the looks that you gave each other when the other one wasn’t looking. Bucky missed you immensely. He now regretted everything. He regretted making that lie up. He missed you so much.

Then there was a crisis. A mission. All of you were required.

He tried to speak with you, but you brushed him off.

“I cannot even look at you without feeling everything.” You said to him before sitting in your chair and buckling up for landing.

You looked around.  Tony was there, Clint, Wanda, Natasha … everyone. They had witnessed the brief exchange of words.

And of course, things were awry. Some of you went South, others North. You were all spread around. It wasn’t ideal. You had no back-up.

As you were fighting a few soldiers, knocking them dead to the ground you felt something move.The next thing you felt was a sharp pain.

The tree which reminded you of a winter wonderland calendar, the bed of snow started to become red. You heard the team call out for you. But you were in and out of conciseness.

After a few minutes, you felt someone over you. They were dragging you and then they fell to the ground.

You saw a silhouette. Oh boy and how you knew that silhouette. You could trace it in your sleep, in darkness.

“She’s hit bad.” That voice, “There’s blood everywhere. It’s her leg, and her arm.”

“I’m cold.” You said, “Bucky, I am cold.”

He hushed you, telling that everything was going to be all right.

He mentioned Steve’s name, also Romanoff’s. “I need medical in here now.” He cried out loud.

“I can’t feel my leg.” You said.

“No, no, no!” Bucky cried out loud.

“ _Where are you?_ ” That was Stark over coms. Tony had a soft spot for you. You had beauty. You had grace. You had brains and you could easily punch anyone straight in the face. “ _Barnes, where the hell are you?”_

But Bucky was doing everything he could to stop the bleeding. He had his hands in your right leg. He took of your belt, and then tried to set your bone back in place. You cursed at him for it hurt like hell.

“Well, it is good that you feel that.” Bucky said to you in a serious mode. Yet, it made you laugh. Then he rearranged your bone and you cried in pain. He tied the belt around the wound and it helped the bleeding stop.

He pulled you up, carried you as if he was a groom, you a bride walking through the threshold.

It was almost like muscle memory. Those arms, his scent; the same was with you. Your hair was as soft as he remembered, and this time, you were a little heavier.

“I am taking her to the base camp. There better be a medical team waiting there . I am going with her.”

You blacked out when he did. You don’t remember it, but Bucky had to put you down and reset the belt around your leg, and while he did t, he said that he loved you, and that he loved you still.

He begged you not to die like this. Not in his arms. He wanted you to die when you were old. You had a happy life. “Stay, doll.” He whispered, “Don’t leave me.”

But of course, of this declaration you heard nothing. Although everyone else did.

* * *

When you woke-up, there was a light bright over you. The room as very clean, and very cold. You heard a beeping sound that suddenly became more persistent. You were frightened. You couldn’t make where the hell you were. But then you saw a familiar sleeping face.

It was Tony’s. His mouth was wide open and suddenly closed when he heard you making the machine beep faster.

Stark fell from the sofa as he made his way to you. “You are fine!” He said, “You are safe.”

“I don’t know … where I am?”

“Y/N, we’re in Manhattan. Your in the Avenger’s tower.”

“What the hell happened to me? Did we succeeded?”

Tony explained. “Things went awry. We had to separate. Barnes …”

You asked, “Did we succeeded?”

“Yes.”

You rested your head back.

“What the hell happened to my leg?”

“You have multiple fractures.” He said, making you notice that you had a cast on your arm, “You aren’t going to be walking for a while on your own.”

“What happened to my leg?”

“You got shot, miss. Multiple times.”

“They are getting smarter now. Shooting at us where they can stop us.”

That made Tony chuckle.

* * *

A few days passed and you were back to the compound.

It was easier that way.

At your place, it was harder for you to move around. The shelves were pretty high. In the compound, almost everyone carried you, Steve, Tony, Clint and Sam. You were really taking advantage of that. But you started to rely more on Sam, Tony and Clint. Wanda helped you to shower since after all, you had a cast up to your thigh.

Then, one day, you started getting tired of everything. People treating you as if you were a child.

There was one night when the majority of the avengers had gone off to a party. Of course, you stayed there. There was no way you were going to go there with that horrible cast and you were craving very bad the cookies that Wanda had baked earlier that afternoon. You were hopping on one leg around the kitchen. You were trying to reach but it was a well known fact that you were very small.

“Let me help you with that.”

You looked back and saw Bucky. He frightened you and made you fall.

“Dear Lord!” He gasped, “Why are you even standing up? You shouldn’t be standing up.”

“I wanted cookies.” You said.

Bucky laughed.

Oh that laugh.

How you missed that laugh.

His hair was longer than usual. He had started to grow back his facial hair into a nice stubble, which meant that he was going through a rough emotional patch.

This reminded you of the beginning of you and Bucky.

It was a day like that. The two of you in the compound alone.

“And you couldn’t climb to get them.” He laughed as he pulled you up. That was when he noticed a little cut in your arm. He cleaned you with a damp cloth and then placed the cookies in the kitchen island. You placed your arm around him and he carried you back to the sofa. He poured a glass of milk and brought it to you.

“Do you need a blanket, or—” Then he saw your crutches.

“You do know that you are suppose to use those, right hon?”

“It isn’t that easy. I can’t ever get on them.”

“Weren’t you the woman who one with a rope took down three men while we were on a mission?” He asked you.

“On my defense, I didn’t have a cast back then. I could use all of my extremities.” _Never stopped you before_ , Bucky thought.

His mind going to one night between the two of them. “I never had the opportunity to thank you.” You said in whisper that was loud enough for Bucky to listen. “Thanks for helping me out there in the snow.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” He smiled. “I had to do it.”

“You saved my life.” You said taking his hand, “I know that we broke up.  But I just want to thank you for being there for me. You are a dear person to me Buck. I am sorry for being bitter before when we were on our way.”

“It is okay. You had all the right.”

“How are you?” You asked.

“You don’t have to.” He said, “You don’t have to ask.”

“Nevertheless, thank you Bucky.”

“You don’t have to. You did what you could, and I’ll always be grateful to you, James.”

All Bucky wanted to do now was to snuggle you with his hugs. He wanted to kiss you, make you feel loved. He wanted to beg for forgiveness. Because the reality was that he had alienated himself from everyone.

“You don’t have to.” He said, “That’s the least I could do. I still care about you immensely. With all of my heart. I am sorry.  I was a jerk to you. But I need you to know that I did not cheat on you. I am a lot of things, but that, I am not.”

You chuckled.  Bucky couldn’t understand the reason you were laughing now as you stuffed your mouth with a cookie.

“Why are you laughing?” He asked you, “I am serious.”

“Do you truly think that I believed that? I know you Bucky. After everything you’ve been through, the last thing you would do to someone is betray their trust.”

“I miss you.” He said, “Immensely.”

“You should’ve thought about that when you made it up. You can’t push me away, and then expect me to bounce back at you Bucky. I am not a ball. I am made out of flesh and bones after all. I feel just as much as you do.”

He looked down in defeat.

“I thought I wasn’t good enough for you.” He opened up.

“But you were.” You interrupted. “You are such a man. A good man. And I loved that man, with all of his flaws.”

“Do you still love him?” He asked you.

“There’s a fine line in between love and hate.”

He hook his head, “Explain yourself.” He begged.

“I still haven’t crossed the bridge from one to the other. They both burn the same. They are both equally dangerous.” You smiled looking down.

“Which one?” He asked.

“The pleasant one.” You smiled, “You are the first man I ever told— confessed that I loved. I could never hate you, Bucky.”

There was a burning sensation in his body. It was probably his blood making him burn his cheeks and his eyes. When he fisted his arm against the sofa, he felt the inside of it hot, and when he looked at it, it was red. He took your hand and you felt it burn because of his.

“Do you forgive me?” He asked you. “Will you take me back?”

He had thrown his pride and self at your body and your mercy. Out of instinct must have been. He had no shame for it. You had pushed his hair back so many times. You had seen him shed his tears with shame.  It must have been his instinct to feel at easy to submit himself to your arms, your comfort.

“I forgive you.” You said as you pulled him up, pushing his hair back to his eyes to see.  “I forgive you.” He went to your lips. They were as chapped as the last time you tasted them. His hands went to your face, and he caressed your cheeks. He did not expected to be pushed away.

“I’m sorry.” He said, still hovering over your lips.

“I forgive you, but I cannot take you back again. We can attempt to start again. Our friendship. But we cannot go back to where we last stood. We start again, Buck. As friends.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think. Also, if you have a prompt, leave it under the comments :)  
> thanks for reading.


End file.
